I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s