looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
@funTweeters
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.