A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes