[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
You Might Also Like
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.