I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat