Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
You Might Also Like
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”