things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich