ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Realize this:
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.