Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.