Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.