Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Running from your problems is cardio .
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.