To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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this is the news I live for
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
i dont have time for this
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want