Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient