“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.