If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I can’t wait!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.