what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.