Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
You Might Also Like
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.