QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest