Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
That was easy.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Teach your children to beatbox
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”