[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?