we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Lmaoo 😂
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck