I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Breaking news:
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.