goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?