A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.