Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
You Might Also Like
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run