Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
they really do be looking like this
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
thank god
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with