If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
then why did i get this email
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.