even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My work here is don’t.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.