Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
translated into Canadian
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My patronus is a cheeseburger