These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.