“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.