Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I would like even faster food.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice