Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
If you know, you know
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I put the hot in psychotic.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.