If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.