tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Quadruple digit IQ
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*