So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
*cough*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.