Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
How do horror writers compete with current events?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.