A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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Finally
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
DOOO EEEET
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?