Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
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I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Damn what did I do next
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.