me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m being attacked 😭
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog