[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My work here is done
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Admin smashed it 😂
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move