They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
That’s fair
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.