Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!