i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.