{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Just as the prophecy foretold
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.