If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Oh my god
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.