Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Any refunds available?…
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
This is painfully accurate 😅
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.