that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law