When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You Might Also Like
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*has no idea what a book even is*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit