Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
You Might Also Like
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping